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Feeling pumped right now!!!! gonna meet with some l8dy about possible grant money to fund this org i’m helping start began the day with hot water and lime juice to soothe my estomago while listening this youtube mix of latin@ rap that i found yesterday. i gotta poop
i’m crying fucking chingos right now because white activists get to go to mexico and do direct action trainings when i haven’t been able to see my family or visit where my parents grew up or see the land that gave birth to me. when i am struggling to learn about my history, struggling to speak a language that i should have grown up with. but they get to go and come back and feel “enlightened” or some shit, not realizing that mexico has been throwing down and doing direct action for fucking hundreds of years against the Spanish, against other white colonizers, and against neo-colonization.
i have not been able to visit mexico in four fucking years. my dad used to take my hermana and i on small scale trips to make sure that we knew the land we grew up on. as a working class dad, he hasn’t had the time or funds to take us there and i think we are all itching to feel it’s warmth again. i’m privileged to have even had the opportunity to spend time there because there are many other chicanxs that are imagining the landscape through the estorias de sus abuelitas.
every day i think about whether or not i can even call myself chicanx, whether or not i can call myself a qpoc because of my light skinned privileged but having an emotional reaction this strong makes me think that it is okay. that i will be united with other chicanxs some day soon and we can all cry together.
really tired, bath time felt good with maryama.
lots of breathing in and out, with st. jude and other candles glowing.
reminding me to breathe, listen to the water, and feel the candles on my skin.
projects are going well, but are really stressful; the south is burning me quick but i keep holding on. today i did a presentation about doulas, specifically full spectrum and radical doula work. this midwife made me feel as if the doula work i want to do in this area is going to be unattainable/tough as shit. it was a terrifying reality check and makes me want to work even harder to ensure that the doula work that happens here is going to be meaningful and understands the politics of pregnancy and childbirth and all of the intersecting oppressions.
things that are happening:
i’m tired and just want to write about my feelings.